THIS blog attempts to provide readers with an inside view of life on board a big yellow truck as it meanders its way around Africa.
To that end, here is the minute-by-minute account of our attempt to cross the border from Nigeria to Cameroon. Throughout the 54 hours it took us, it was unbelievably hot.
This is what we know about. Somewhere in the background, Oasis head office and unknown officials in a range of countries were lobbying on our behalf to open the gates into Cameroon.
Whoever made the fateful call or sent the e-mail that made the difference, we thank you. But in a way, think we are sort of glad we had this experience.
(Most timings, particularly before the idea to write this appeared some point around lunch on the first day, are estimated. Or taken from Ale’s watch, which is even more of a guess.)
Sunday, February 15
6am (Bush camp, somewhere between Calabar and the border): First sounds of cook group getting up and beginning the process of preparing breakfast. Spend next 20 minutes or so wrestling with the twin dilemmas of how long it is feasible to remain in bed with people walking around my mosquito net and how long before the need to visit the little boys’ bush can be delayed.
6.28am: The latter wins the battle and, having waited for somebody else to undo the lock on the back of the truck, it is a quick sprint onto the back to drop off various items from my tent and collect both toilet paper and one of the shovels.
6.30am: Head off into the undergrowth in search of a decent spot which has not already been taken – or worse, still is.
6.37am: Return to truck, wash hands and make cup of tea from boiling kettle on fire. Sit and wait for breakfast to be ready.
7am: Official start of breakfast, although most people are already milling around and waiting for the clearance to dive into pile of eggy bread.
7.01am: Dive into pile of eggy bread.
7.15am: Wash up plate, fork and mug, flapping to get dry before putting away in the correct containers.
7.20am: Roll up sleeping gear and pack up tent, squeezing it into locker which, despite a tidy up in Calabar two days earlier, is packed to bursting. Change shirt and attempt to tidy hair in vain effort to look reasonably smart to cross border.
7.30am: Take up position on truck, pick up book (dug out of truck’s library yesterday to provide something to read while sat on the truck) and wait for the off.
8am: Roll out of camp.
8.30am: Arrive at town of Ikom, 37km from the border. Cook group shopping (loads of vegetables and bread for dinner, breakfast and lunch with our group on duty from the evening).
9am: Head off in search of cold drinks to spend some of my remaining Nigerian naira. Directed towards fuel station by group of locals keen to have their pictures taken with the large white man.
9.15am: Change remaining naira into Central African CFA as it is illegal to take currency out of the country.
9.45am: Both trucks pull away from Ikom and head towards the border.
9.55am: Toilet stop.
10.15am: Stop on side of road so we do not arrive at border earlier than we intended to.
10.45am: Desperate attempts to go to loo again before we head off as opportunity could be limited.
10.50am: Both trucks head for the border.
11am: Fairly swift progress through first couple of checks, once couple of guards have come on truck and shaken all of our hands.
11.20am: Head 100 yards down the road to closed gate onto bridge heading over river and into Cameroon. Go no further.
11.25am: Finish book.
12.10am: Enthusiastic and noisy church service makes its way down the road to the trucks, complete with drummers.
12.30pm: News comes through that we are missing couple of vital bits of paperwork. It is Sunday, so no chance of getting them. We are going nowhere today.
12.45pm: Church service and drummers return.
12.55pm: Fresh news: Elderly guy in crisp white suit at rear of church procession is the town’s head of immigration. Dispatches Raphael, our newly-acquired Cameroonian fixer, to town over border to contact chief of police and ease our passage.
1pm: Lunch on truck.
1.15pm: Discover have been pipped in the race for the two half-decent books in circulation.
2pm: Clearance to go for a swim in the river.
2.05pm: Guinea pigs sent down to check out river.
2.15pm: Head down track to river.
2.17pm: Jump into river.
2.18pm: Discover river not as clean as hoped.
2.55pm: News update. We are going nowhere today.
3.30pm: Much lying about, reading, sleeping. And trying to keep cool. First exodus to the village bar.
4.30pm: Beers opened out of the eskie.
5pm: Surrendering to our fate, move trucks away from border and set up camp on the side of the road, a few hundred yards down the road. Verge vegetation given a quick chop to create kitchen area.
6pm: Start cooking – spaghetti with a vegetable sauce/gloop.
7.15pm: Discover someone has used all the hot water to make drinks, so have to boil another kettle to cook spaghetti.
7.30pm: Water still not boiled.
7.45pm: Water boiled, spaghetti in, trying desperately not to overcook vegetables.
8pm: Serve dinner. Joe outlines plan for the next day.
8.18pm: Dinner finished, tents up, first people turn in for the night.
9.50pm: Final few call it quits. Put up mosquito tent alongside Nala.
11.45pm: Had enough of sliding down the slope and turn tent around.
Monday, February 16
5.15am: Local preacher begins very loud, very long sermon to wake up the village.
6.10am: Finally admit defeat and get up to make breakfast.
7am: Kitchen all set up, kettles boiled and bulk of the toast done. Breakfast is served.
7.20am: Break off from breakfast to pack away tent.
7.30am: Breakfast ends. Pack away kitchen.
8am: Everyone clambers onto other truck to head back to Ikom for internet access to e-mail relevant embassies or consulates and ask for help in getting across border.
8.55am: Arrive Ikom.
9am: Copy draft letter to British Embassy in Yaounde asking for assistance. E-mail copy to rest of British passengers for them to use.
9.31am: E-mail to embassy finally sends.
9.57am: E-mail to most of the others finally arrives.
10.31am: Kris gives up trying to compose a new e-mail on my laptop.
10.35am: Ale and Linda borrow my laptop to translate the e-mail into Spanish and Dutch to send to their embassies.
10.45am: Man lights rubbish fire next to truck.
10.46am: First person leaves the truck to avoid the smoke.
11am: Get laptop back. Hope Joe won’t notice the wi-fi hot spot from his phone being used to check Facebook.
11.20am: Joe turns off the wi-fi hot spot on his phone.
11.50am: Kris appears with tray of unidentified meat and rice. Large chunks of it left uneaten, despite being passed around the truck.
1.30pm: Final few people return from internet cafe up the road and we begin the journey back to Mfum.
2pm: Back at base, sort out lunch.
2.30pm: Having sat down on one truck all morning, settle down for a quiet spell led on the other – anything to escape the heat outside for a while.
3.30pm: Decide it is time to check out the bar.
3.40pm: Hit head on roof of low doorway into the bar. Served large, cold beer by Ben, who claims to be 15 but looks younger. Bar has been renamed Ben’s Place.
6pm: Wander back to the truck ahead of dinner after a few, very welcome beers. Slightly the worse for wear.
7.30pm: Excellent meal of fried rice, supplemented (to much excitement from some corners) by the first of the truck supply of Spam.
8.05pm: Just finishing off tidying up when the storm, which has been threatening for a while, starts to become a reality. Wind whips up as we race to get everything cleared up before it really hits.
8.15pm: The lightning which flashed in the distance for much of the previous night moves in and is joined by the odd clap of thunder.
8.20pm: First drops of rain begin to fall.
8.22pm: Suggestion that we take this opportunity to have a shower out in the rain.
8.25pm: First items of clothing removed.
8.27pm: Much to the surprise of any passing locals, a group of white folks in their swimsuits and underwear are standing alongside a big yellow truck in the middle of the road to the border. During a thunderstorm.
8.28pm: Not actually raining hard enough to have a shower.
8.29pm: Water lockers are opened, buckets filled and we are lined up in the middle of the road. First sign of cameras as inhabitants of other truck have wandered down to find out exactly what is going on.
8.30pm: Buckets of water are thrown over us. Possibly the most refreshing – certainly the most bizarre – shower of the trip.
8.40pm: Bucket showers over and pictures taken, it starts raining more than hard enough to have a proper shower.
8.42pm: Scramble back onto truck and all try to get dry and changed while remaining decent. Some better at it than others.
9pm: Stops raining.
9.05pm: Group heads back to the bar. Decide it is too wet – and threat of rain too high – to sleep in mosquito tent, so set up full tent for first time since Senegal.
9.07pm: Discover batteries in both my torches are flat. Collar Martyn to help.
9.09pm: Martyn’s phone, which had been providing light, goes flat.
9.11pm: Matt, Martyn and myself – all of whom have had a few beers – set about setting up tent on the side of the road without a light.
9.20pm: Somehow, tent is up properly. Matt and Martyn head down to bar, but opt to sort out bedding first.
9.35pm: Decide against heading down to bar and opt for early night. Plug myself into iPod, lie down on airbed and discover big stone right under the middle of the tent. Move over to the side.
9.37pm: First set of headlights glares through tent from the road. Debate getting up and putting rain cover over tent to block out some of the light. Decide far too much trouble.
Tuesday, February 17
7.45am: Relative lie-in. Emerge from tent with sore back.
8am: Official start of breakfast.
8.20am: Breakfast is served. Fried spam met with rapturous response – or total disgust.
9am: Quick truck clean.
9.10am: Take down tent.
9.25am: Finally succeed in getting tent into its bag.
9.30am: As most people head back to Ikom for a change of scenery, head back to truck to lie flat on sore back and crash out.
11.30am: Matt, Steve and myself opt to mark 48 hours at the border by walking down to bar for a Coke. Slow walk down as all the locals and the police/military at the checkpoints want to say hello, ask how we are and when we are leaving. Discover bar has no cold Cokes, so have a couple beers instead.
1pm: Wander back up to truck to find the others are back. Have lunch.
1.30pm: Settle down for a quiet few moments on the truck – there’s at least a bit of shade provided by the seats. Some others head down to bar.
2.15pm: Kris loses all hope and declares we will never be allowed into Cameroon. Despite early confidence from most of us, there’s not too much disagreement from those on the truck.
2.40pm: Walk back down to bar with one of the locals.
2.47pm: Joe heads in opposite direction from border on back of motorbike, but denies anything has happened.
2.50pm: Settle into bar with a beer and dealt into the ongoing game of cards.
3.30pm: Steve sticks head through door, tells us to drink up and be back on the trucks in five minutes.
3.31pm: Give up attempting to down remains of bottle of gassy beer in one and leave on the table.
3.33pm: Matt and myself are stopped at police checkpoint. One very vocal guy not in uniform insists we sit down and, we think, demands we buy him a drink. Explain to the guys we had spoken to earlier – the ones with guns – that we think we are about to go and they usher us up the road and quieten the other guy.
3.37pm: Arrive back at truck and break news of Steve’s announcement to those lounging on the seats. Several goes needed to convince them. Frantic attempts to sort everything out and tidy up camp.
3.40pm: Rest of the bar dwellers return, some on back of military motorbikes clutching beers bought at the bar to use up our remaining naira.
3.50pm: Trucks head the few hundred yards back down the border, followed by Joe, still on back of motorbike which had taken him to Ikom after he got a call to check his e-mails, only to be summoned back.
3.52pm: Karla and myself called off truck. May need to head over on the other truck as the only ones not already stamped out of Nigeria.
3.54pm: Everyone called off truck. Final assault on bar to use up naira. Beer and assorted drinks loaded into locker which had been emptied in case we all had to share one truck.
4pm: Steve drives Nala across border, followed minutes later by the other Steve in the other truck. We sit and wait at bar, taking pictures with the locals.
5.10pm: Passports returned, fully stamped out of Nigeria and into Cameroon.
5.13pm: Finally exit Nigeria and walk across the bridge between the two countries.
5.15pm: Cross into Cameroon.
5.17pm: Tread in dog muck (at least, hope it was dog) on the side of road under construction which welcomes us into Cameroon. Not alone.
5.28pm: Board Nala.
5.30pm: Everything stops for flag-lowering ceremony to close the working day.
5.31pm: Leave Cameroon border
5.33pm: Hit first major bump in Cameroon.
5.45pm: Clear Cameroon Immigration and finally head into country number 11.
NB: Just as the finishing touches were being put to this post, a couple pulled into our base in Limbe, Cameroon. They successfully crossed the same border in just four hours. But did they have as much fun? We would like to think we paved the way for their rapid crossing.